General Jokes šŸƒ

A daughter goes to her father and asks why did you name my brother Azzip. Her father said because Azzip when spelt backwards spells pizza and your mum loves pizza . Thanks dad said the girl , thatā€™s alright Lana replied the dad
 
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"
"Nonsense," said the wife, "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. Damn, you're right.
 
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!). 'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works Fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?' 'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons.' Have a nice day..:ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
 
Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

 
I had to go to my doctors for a full medical,

He asked me to strip fully naked when I had a I commented about my manhood looking like a saxophone.
I said it was a family trait and all my families genitalia looked like musical instruments

The doctor was quite taken back with my comment saying in 39 years he has never heard that, but a few years ago a woman came in with a problem with her genitalia and when I saw her fanny it was like a mouth organ to which I replied ā€œ ah that will be our Monica ā€œ
 
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One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems fine, but after awhile she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems fine, but after awhile she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So, Mum, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart.":LOL::ROFLMAO::LOL::ROFLMAO::LOL::ROFLMAO::LOL:
 
The Mrs wanted a clue as to her Valentines Day present. I said think old England goalkeepers. She expected Flowers, she got Seaman..
 
Postman Pat was on his delivery round when he saw mrs Goggins in her garden.
ā€œHello mrs Goggins how are you today ā€œsaid Pat.
ā€œNot so goodā€ said mrs Goggins ā€œIā€™ve been to the doctor and he prescribed me steroids and Iā€™ve started to grow a penisā€
ā€œAnabolicā€ said Pat
ā€œNo just the penisā€ said Mrs Goggins.
 
A bit of tarmac walks into a pact pub and said to the barman. ā€œIā€™m a bit of the hard shoulder and Iā€™m well hard so if I ask for a pint you run and get it cause Iā€™m well hard ā€œ.
ā€œOkayā€ said the barman, whilst all the other bits of tarmac coward down .
After a couple of pints the bit of hard shoulder said to the barman ā€œI must be the hardest bit of tarmac in this pub because Iā€™m well hardā€.
ā€œNo youā€™re not the hardestā€ said the barman ā€œ ā€œsee the long thin bit of tarmac playing pool. No one messes with him ,heā€™s a complete cycle path ā€œ .
 
Ever since I was a child, Iā€™ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him Iā€™ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think thereā€™s somebody under it. Iā€™m scared. I think Iā€™m going crazy.
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?" "Ā£80 per visit," replied the doctor. "Iā€™ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said.
Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street. "Why didnā€™t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, Ā£80 a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for Ā£10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV."
"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed ā€“ ainā€™t nobody under there now!"
 
Stevie Nicks lead singer of fleetwood mac was once proposed to by William Shatner from Star Trek. She politely declined because she didnā€™t want to be known as Stevie Shatner Nicks.
 
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police found over 2000 dead crows on Alberta highways recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The RCMP then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
 
bazzer9461 said:
A man gives his wife blood to save her life. Some years later they split up and want to divorce, the man says he wants his blood back to which the wife took her used tampon off and threw it at him and said Iā€™ll pay in monthly instalments
Click to expand...
When you're sober up and delete this I'll delete my post so we can all pretend it didn't happen.
 
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An Englishman Scotsman and Irishman were in the pub. The Englishman said ā€œMy son was born on St. Georgeā€™s Day so we called him Georgeā€

The Scotsman said ā€œMy son was born on St. Andrews Day so we called him Andrewā€

Just then a young lad walks in and the Irishman stands up and says ā€œMeet my son Pancakeā€

HAPPY PANCAKE DAY EVERYONE !!
 
A man walked up to the football official and asked for a ticket for the match.

'Sorry mate, there is no match today', he replied.

'But there must be, it's Saturday afternoon'.

'Well there isn't today', said the official.

'Well I don't believe you', said the man, 'you're taking the mick'.

'Now listen, read my lips' ' there is no M-A-T-F-C-H today'..

'But there isn't an F in match'.

'That's what I've been telling you', said the official.
 
At the pub quiz last night, I learned that Bobby Charlton scored on his debut against Charlton Athletic. This got me wondering if any other footballers had scored against their homophonic namesake.

Did James Chester ever score against Chester?
Did Dwight Yorke ever score against York?
Did Jack Lester ever score against Leicester?
Did Stefen Kuntz ever score against Swindon....
 
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