General Jokes 🃏

Maurice Earp said:
At this reflective time of year, several matters come to mind, amongst them, man's inhumanity to man.
As opined the poet John Donne: “Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and
therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.”
The penultimate phrase was purloined by Hemingway as title for his 1940 novel of the Spanish Civil War.
It suddenly brought to mind something which has worried me for years. In 14th century Switzerland, William
Tell (he of the arrow through the apple fame) and his family were keen bowlers, but there is no record of
which team they were on.
A terrible fire razed the village archive to the ground and all records were lost.
Seems even now we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled. :giggle::giggle:
Click to expand...

No idea. But I suspect right-arm over.
 
I finally have a few days off and it’s been brilliant to reconnect with the family. We had a lovely time this morning, flying our drone in a field somewhere near Crawley in Sussex. I never realised how quiet it was down there...
 
Just met Arnold Schwarzenegger, but I was very disappointed that Xmas isn't his favourite time of year.

"Happy Christmas Arnie" was my cheerful greeting and do you know what he replied

"Have to love Easter, baby......."
 
I saw a poster outside the local cross dresser club yesterday advertising their Christmas Party. It read “Come and join us, eat drink and be Mary”
 
A woman gets on a bus and finds herself sitting opposite an incredibly attractive man.

She tries to flirt with him, but he doesn’t seem interested.

She pouts at him, but gets no response, so she unbuttons her blouse to reveal some cleavage.

She still can’t get a reaction.

Finally she pulls out all of the stops, she pulls up her skirt and opens her legs to reveal she’s not wearing any underwear.

The man sniffs the ait, then stands up and pulls out his collapsible white stick.

“That was quick”, he says. “Its’s usually half an hour to the fish market”.
 
Bilbo awoke early one morning to find that Sainsburys had built a brand new store right next to his house. That's an unexpected item in the Baggins area...
 
Apparently it’s impossible to eat 4 dry crackers in one minute. Always up for the challenge I gave it a go. I managed three and then choked on a plastic moustache and a paper hat.
 
Police stopped a car being driven through Swindon town centre yesterday.

A person check on the occupants found no outstanding warrants and no-one was wanted in connection with any other investigations.

The vehicle was found to be taxed and MOT’d and a valid insurance policy was in place.

A search of the car found no stolen property, weapons or drugs.



The driver has been charged with wasting police time.
 
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I love running my fingers through my girlfriends hair when we're relaxing after a nice meal at home. Not so much because I love her but because it reminds her we've ran out of napkins.
 
Paddy racing down the A34 towing a horse box got pulled by the traffic cops, what you doing they ask, taking the horses to Newbury Pasdy replies, the officers take a look and say there are no horses in the box, Paddy replies I am taking the non runners first.
 
During a visit to the local Mental Asylum, I asked the Director was asked how they determined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised. "Well", he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer them a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket and ask them to empty it".

'Haha!", I said. 'Obviously anyone who is "normal" would use the bucket because it's much bigger than the spoon or teacup!" "No" said the Director, "they would just pull the plug! Now do you want a bed near the wall or the window?"
 
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