General Jokes 🃏

A mate of mine has 2 tickets for the England v Belgium game on Thursday. He paid £500 each, including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding. ?

If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at Sunderland Registry Office, at 3pm. The bride's name is Cheryl -- she's 5'7" and quite attractive.

Pm for more details.

Come on England! ??????? :-)
 
Just had a chat with an overweight Franciscan monk who told me the meaning of life. He was a deep,fat friar.
 
This bloke taught his dog to play the trumpet on the underground.....he went from Barking to Tooting in ten minutes.
 
I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.
"Fancy buying me a drink?" She said,
"Sure," I replied. "If you let me choose."
"Okay," she grinned. "But how will you know what I want?"
"Well, it's kind of a talent," I smiled. "All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best."
"Okay," she giggled. "You can choose for me."
So I turned to the barman and said, "Diet coke, mate."
 
The Police are bringing in road side eye tests.
That me F**ked then,when I'm driving home after 10 or 12 pints,I can hardly see the road,never mind a number plate ?
 
I can't stop watching 'Countryfile' and 'Newsround'. I mean all the time. Totally. It's a constant Craven.
 
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A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man:

"Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, unfortunately, she just walked in."
 
Gobby German lorry driver mouthing off in a motorway service station. “ I can leave my base in Hamburg, get across the English Channel, drop my load in Kent and be back at my base in one and a half days thanks to our superior German lorries”
Old skool English pensioner replies “that’s nothing, I used to leave my base in Kent, drop my load in Hamburg and be back at my base within seven hours”
German says” oh yeah old man, what were you driving then?”
Pensioner replies” My superior English Lancaster Bomber!”
 
Breaking news ....club shop will be taking delivery of OUFC lamps in November .... Im told these lamps will look really good in the middle of the table


(here hoping)
 
An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.
The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tail and leaves.
The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tail and leaves.
This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day."
The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
 
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of pounds for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten pounds and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
 
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