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General Jokes 🃏

Tesco are selling 55" TV's for £60, BUT...they have a problem with the volume button....at that price, you can't turn it down!!!
 
Liverpool FC send their scouts out to look for new talent and they find a player from Bosnia. They sign him up and in his first game he scores a hat-trick, after the game he could not wait to ring his mum, but as soon as she answers she is sobbing uncontrollably, ha asks “ mum what is the matter” his mum replies “ this morning your sister was raped by a street gang, then you little brother was savaged by a wild pack of dogs while playing football in the street. After that you dad was shot by a sniper and I was mugged and beaten up while shopping.”

The guy is gobsmacked “ mum, what can I say? I’m so sorry “ “ Soery ?!” She shouts, “ it’s your fault we moved to Liverpool!”
 
Italian Girl gets married and they spend the wedding night at her parents,her mum says Darling it's time,you go to him and not worry Roberto will take care off you i will continue prepare the pasta.
1 minute later she runs downstairs moma he took his shirt off and has hairs on his chest, her mom says don't worry this is normal go back to him he will care you..1 min later she runs down again moma he has hairs on his legs again mom reassures her don't worry it's normal go back to him..again she runs downstairs moma he's taken all his clothes off and is naked,darling don't worry it's time go back to roberto he will care you.Another minute later runs runs down again moma moma he has one foot, her mom says come and stir the pasta.
 
I felt extremely sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized seven guys, but then dropped his mic on his foot and yelled "OH f**k ME!"

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
 
Patrick was walking down the street when he saw his Grandfather sat outside his front door wearing nothing below his waist he asked “ why are you sat outside dressed like that?” He replied “ I sat outside last week without a shirt on and got a stiff neck, it was your Grandmothers idea “
 
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A naked woman hears a knock at the door,"who is it ?" she asks,"it's the blind man" comes the reply."it's open come in"

"nice tits,where do you want the blind?"
 
A little girl walks into a pet shop,"do you have any Rabbits?"
Aw how sweet,thinks the owner.
"would the ickle girl like a White wabbit,a Black wabbit or a Brown wabbit ?"

"to be honest mister,i don't think my Python gives a f**k !"
 
I was on holiday in Egpyt,it was so hot,i posted on Facebook that i "slept last night with the windows open"

1,400 Mosquitos liked it,400 Mosquitos commented on it,200 Mosquitos shared it and 25,000 Mosquitos said they would be attending tonight.
 
2 blokes sat at the bar in a small town pub.
1 bloke bragged,"do you know, apart from my sister and my mother i've shagged every woman in this town"
His mate replied" well between us we've got the full house"
 
Horse is in the pub having a few when spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living" horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" , then he asks "did you win anything" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”, they arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace, the horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", donkey replies " thats me when I played for Juventus !
 
Oldham said:
Horse is in the pub having a few when spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living" horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" , then he asks "did you win anything" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”, they arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace, the horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", donkey replies " thats me when I played for Juventus !
Click to expand...
The best joke I've heard for years. Brilliant
 
There are some horrible bastards about.
I heard a cat crying outside so i opened the door and four Man Utd fans were playing football with it.
I was just about to phone the RSPCA when the cat went 1-0 up.
 
A farmer knocks on a neighbouring Farmers door,his 10 year old son answers
",hi Steve,is your dad in?"
,"no"
"mum ?"
" no"
",how about your brother Jack ?"
" no".

"Can i help"asks Steve ?

"I don't know, i need to talk to your dad about your Jack getting my daughter Sue pregnant"

"Sorry i can't help with that,i know he charges £500 for the bull,£100 for the Boar,but iv'e no idea what he charges for Jack"
 
“My dog’s got no nose”
“How does it write poetry?”
“I said nose, not prose”
“Oh, how does it water the garden?”
“When did you last have your ears tested?”
“Cucumbers”
 
A 60 year old billionaire is getting married to a 25 Year old model. At the reception one of his oldest mates asked him how he managed to pull her. “I lied about my age” he replied, “I told her I was 95”...
 
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