General Jokes 🃏

What did one butt cheek say to the other

Together, we can stop this s**t.
 
My mate has just got himself a job at the theatre painting the stage scenery…
Well he is from a rough background!
 
Joe woke up one morning with an enormous erection,
but his wife was already up & preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up,
so he grabbed his phone and sent a text to his wife:
“The tent pole is up,
the canvas is spread.
The hell with breakfast,
come back to bed.”
The wife answered the text:
“Take the tent pole down,
put the canvas away.
The monkeys exhausted.
No circus today.”
So he sent another text:
“The tent poles still up
and the canvas still spread,
so drop what you’re doing
and get in this bed.”
To which she sent a text back:
“I know that your poles
the best in the land,
but I’m busy right now,
so do it by hand!!
 
My proctologist just gave me the thumbs up, which I really did not appreciate.....
 
There was an explosion at the cheese factory last week.
All the staff were covered in de brie...
 
I'd like to thank my mate for helping me fill out a job application form today, especially the question "Do you have any hobbies?"

"I collect empty bottles" was so much better than my answer of "Alcoholic".....
 
I’ve just been tasked with designing a website for an orphanage.


As yet, it doesn't have a home page......
 
Stanley died in a fire and his body was badly burned.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty badly. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, that ain't Stanley '
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with those two assholes!'
 
A minibus full of nuns on pilgrimage in the alps go off the road and crash, killing all of them.
Next thing, they are all queueing up at the pearly gates. St Peter comes along and beckons the first in line over.
“Sister Margaret,” he says, “before I welcome you into heaven, I must ask you one question - have you ever touched a penis?”
“Only once,” she replied, “with the tip of my little finger!”
“Right,” says St Peter, “dip your little finger in this holy water and be on your way.”
So she goes over to the font and does as she is told.
St Peter then summons the next nun in the queue over.
“Sister Sarah,” he says, “before I welcome you into heaven, I must ask you one question - have you ever touched a penis?”
“Only once,” she replies, I had one in my hand!”
“Okay,” says St Peter, “dip your hand in this holy water and be on your way.
So she goes over and does as she is told.
St Peter is about to call the next nun over when he sees one of the nuns pushing and barging her way to the front of the queue.
She is almost at the font before he shouts “what is the meaning of this rudeness?” and the nun says
“well I need to gargle that holy water before Sister Clara sticks her ass in it!”
 
We seem to be annoyed by absolutely everything
Vegetarians are enraged by people who eat meat
Remainers are enraged by people who voted for brexit . Poor people are enraged when a rich neighbour applies for planning permission to plant a hedge. There’s no tolerance at all.The middle ground has become as alien as Mars and it’s got to stop .
Everyone . Tories ,young people,the elderly ,rockers ,hip hoppers ,vegetablists ,bacon enthusiasts ,speed freaks , the fat , the fit ,the timid ,policemen , vicars ,politicians ,butchers the tall , the small ,socialists. If we want to live in a happy country ,we’ve all got to come together as one .And gang up on the cyclists
 
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the
door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.
It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the
phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the
phone.
"Yes, it is," the bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
 
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of
his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’
She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”
“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.
She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it."
 
An Oxford fan and a Swindon fan are stood before St Peter at the Pearly Gates and both are granted entry to the kingdom of heaven where they are greeted by Our Lord God, who says He will personally escort them to their new homes.

The Swindon fan is led to a delightful English country cottage, roses growing around the door, robins nesting in the thatch and portraits of Don Rogers and Glenn Hoddle hanging on the walls. He was overjoyed with his new residence until he became aware of music and as he listened closely he could make out the strains of “My Oh My” coming from the other side of a grassy hill.

As he walked around, he saw a great palace with statues of Jim Smith and Graham Atkinson adorning the entrance. Once inside, it was obvious that a large party was in full swing. A free bar dominated the massive garden which was packed with dear, departed supporters watching Rob Hall’s strike at the County ground and Chris Maguire charging down Lawrence Vigouroux’s clearance on a large video screen. Huge flags displaying the images of Joey Beauchamp, John Aldridge, Malcolm Shotton, James Constable and countless more waved gently in the cool breeze and the Milk Cup took pride of place in a display cabinet, stood in a replica of the London Road terrace.

The Swindon fan turned to the Lord and said: “God, I don’t wish to appear ungrateful but why do I get a simple cottage when the Oxford fan gets a huge mansion like this?”

God turns to him and says “I think you will find that the Oxford fan has a very similar cottage to your own – this is my house......”
 
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