General Jokes 🃏

Guy goes into a fancy dress shop and goes to the Vampire section.
Girl behind the counter says.. "Maybe you should try the S*****n Town
shop across the street".
Guy says "I'm sorry, you must have misheard me. I said I wanted to dress
like a count" !!
 
Coming out of Asda today and a girls purse had fallen off of the roof of her car, I
stopped and picked it up but I couldn’t catch up with her in her car.
I managed to get her car registration, it was a blue VW Passat NE1 4ABJ.
There was a good bit of money in purse but no ID, feel free to share so we can get
this poor girl her money back as I’m sure she's at her wits end:ROFLMAO:
 
Can't take the credit for this but thought it hilarious.
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time,
"like sitting around in the Motorhome and drinking beers isn't a good thing."
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested, I go down to the old folks centre and hang out
with the fellas.
So I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had
joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 65 years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership
to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!" The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
 
"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a can of deodorant"



"Are you Sure?".........
 
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Tomorrow, my rock band will be releasing our festive single entitled "Duvet know it's Christmas".




It's a cover .......
 
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After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found
Traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
Their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American
Archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their
Ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".
One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it!
 
I just wish I'd been the guy that invented Ovaltine.




I'd be a malti-millionaire..........
 
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?'
 
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?'
Brilliant
 
I wrapped the Christmas lights round the other half's head while she slept last night

You should have seen her little face light up when I switched them on this morning.
 
It's funny how they say that music can transport you to a different place. I went into a pub earlier and they were playing Little Mix on the jukebox. I immediately left for another pub.
 
Just off to try on my costume for the Yellows Forum fancy dress party - it's a padded envelope.



I'll be back in a jiffy......
 
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