General Jokes 🃏

We're having poached salmon for tea tonight.

I find it a lot more satisfying than buying from a supermarket.....
 
Just been to the doctors and he told me I should seriously consider getting an earring made.



Strange thing for a doctor to say........
 
ʎɐqә ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎәʞ ɐ бuıʎnq ɯ,ı әɯıʇ ʇsɐl әɥʇ sʇɐɥʇ
 
Switched my evening meal from venison to pheasant.



Absolute game changer....
 
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said:

"Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Mr "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine,

thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Mr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Mr. Young: " Aaagh !! this is petrol!”

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Mr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Mr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Mr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, that is petrol!”

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back.

That will be $500.”

Mr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Mr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak ---I can hardly see anything!!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Mr. Young: "But this is only $10!

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back!; that will be $500.”

The moral of the story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer".

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to P**s us off.
 
Reminds me of the old lady that went to the bank. After queueing for ten minutes she arrived at the window and asked to withdraw £10. The young clerk sighed and pointed to a sign that said that withdrawals at the counter should be for a minimum of £100.

The old lady protested, saying she only needed £10 but the clerk said that for such a small amount she would have to go to the cash machine outside. The old lady said that she wasn't comfortable using them and if she couldn't withdraw £10, she would close her account and asked the clerk for the balance.

He muttered under his breath about having to log in to the computer to access her account and when he had finally gathered the details, he informed the old lady that her balance was too large for him to deal with at the counter and she would have to make an appointment to see the manager.

The old lady said she needed the money today, so asked what was the maximum she could have immediately. The counter clerk told her the upper limit for on demand withdrawal was £2,000, so the old lady asked for £2,000 in £10 notes.

The clerk was really annoyed as he didn't have that amount of money in his drawer and now he had to summon the senior clerk to go with him to the vault to get the cash.

After much to-ing and fro-ing, the money was assembled, counted, checked and paid over to the old lady. Through gritted teeth, the counter clerk asked if there would be anything else.

"Yes" said the old lady, "I'd like to deposit £1,990".....
 
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After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.



As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...
 
There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who do not...
 
Now I'm getting on a bit, I've realised that you just need an opticians, a pharmacy and a bakery to fulfil all your basic needs.

Specs and drugs and sausage rolls......
 
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