General Jokes 🃏

Last year, I got a part time job marking tests, but I've been told I won't be invited back.

It's a shame, as I always gave 100%....
 
My dogs been constipated all week, so this morning I let him out in the garden and he took the biggest poop you can imagine. I noticed in the poop there was some writing in it, so I went to the kitchen to get my halsses because I can't read s**t without my glasses.
 
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CAN I ASK THE MODS TO DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

NAMING NO NAMES, A NEW MEMBER HAS BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MYSELF AND OTHERS, SENDING NAKED PICTURES OF THEMSELF IN DISTASTEFUL POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF THEIR "UNMENTIONABLES". THE LATEST MESSAGE OFFERED AN IPHONE 12 PRO MAX 5G IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS.

I AM ESPECIALLY DISTRESSED ABOUT THIS AS IT'S AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY FAULTY AS IT'S REALLY SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON......
 
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I had my first go in an electric race car today but it was all over so fast.


Short circuit.......
 
Here's an oldie taken from TIU a long time ago.
Originally posted by Mr Yellow
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Two builders (Chas and Dave) are seated either side of a table in a
rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool
at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the
suit.

Chas: -I reckon he's an accountant.

Dave: -No way he's a stockbroker.

Chas: -He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets
the better of Chas and he makes for the toilet. On
entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Chas: -Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering
what you do for a living?

Suit: -No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!

Chas: -Oh! What's that then?

Suit: -I'll try to explain by example............Do you have a goldfish
at home?

Chas: -Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: -Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?

Chas: -It's in a pond!

Suit: -Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large
garden then?

Chas: -As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: -Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you
have a large garden that you have a large house?

Chas: -As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!

Suit: -Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical
to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married?

Chas: -Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!

Suit: -Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?

Chas: -Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: -Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
very often?

Chas: -Me? Never

Suit: -Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Chas:-How's that then?

Suit: -Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your
sex life!

Chas: -I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate! Both leave the
toilet and Chas returns to his mate.

Dave: -I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Chas: -Yep ! He's a logical scientist!

Dave: -What's that then?

Chas: -I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Dave: -Nope

Chas: -Well then, you're a ****er
 
My geography teacher is the best - a real top bloke.


I wouldn’t change him for all the tea in Norway....
 
I didn't think I was a bad a driver, but my SatNav just announced "In 400 yards turn left, stop and let me out..."
 
Although our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ could walk on water, let us never forget that Stephen Hawking ran on batteries......
 
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