General Jokes 🃏

Oxymoron said:
Went to the library today and asked if I could borrow the new book about Cockney swearwords.
The librarian looked me up and down and said "You can't".
"That's the one" I replied........
Click to expand...
Berkshire or granny could also be used for “can’t” 😊
 
A man asked his wife “ what would you do if I won the lottery?” His wife replied “ I’d take half and pack my bags and leave you!” Great he said I’ve won £12.00...... there’s £6, pack your bags, off you go
 
“ Does anyone know where Jeopardy is? “
Apparently there are thousands of jobs there.
 
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are “snowbirds” in Texas.
Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?” Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now??” Bessie looks up and says, “Ray, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.” Furious, Ray yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!”
To which Bessie replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat.”
 
A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Oxfordshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sid.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.
Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf..?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not..?"
"You're a Member of Parliament for our UK Government", says Sid.
"Wow..! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that..?"
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.
And this is a herd of sheep. ...
Now give me back my f*****g dog..!........
 
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed,
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!
 
A transporter truck full of Viagra was stolen from Oxford services off the M40 earlier today

Thames Valley Police are looking for hardened criminals
 
A dung beetle walks into a pub, goes up to the bar and says


"Is this anyone's stool".....
 
Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger
were discussing who they were going to play in the new Hollywood Blockbuster: The Great Composers!
Stallone says, “I wanna be Beethoven”.
Willis retorts, “I gotta be Mozart”.
Arnie has a think for a minute and then says....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...”I’ll be Bach!”
 
We don't have very big front gardens and last night, some low-down thieving barsteward stole my neighbour's grass.



He's out there now, looking forlorn......
 
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